mercredi

are other people generally content? i've found that it's impossible for me to be content with anything, regardless of its quality, whether it's my life, myself, anything i create, etc etc. it always seems as if there's always more. well, i know there's more. granted, i don't always know what it is, but i'm constantly aware of its existance, and i'm driven to discover it and achieve it. i've thought that this is probably where my perfectionist and goal-oriented tendancies originate. either way, while it compells me to improve relentlessly [unless lack of resources or laziness interfere], i can't help wonder if it bars me from true happiness. optimism, hope, positive attitude, accomplishment, etc. are able to temporarily substitute, but they aren't generally lasting. i can remember one time since camp that i've been purely and overwhelmingly happy. at least right now that's all i can recount. it's a bit disheartening, and in thinking about this and trying to figure it out, i'm worried that i'm just making it worse with over-analyzing. of course, i'm not entirely unhappy, just everything feels sort of.. empty. like there should be more. like there's a lot missing in my life. which is obviously true to me, but sometimes not everything is an option. or is unattainable at the time. or has some various reason [or maybe excuse] for its lacking.

regardless, i'm just running this in circles. i'm going to let it drop and go draw. or maybe i'll give that studying thing a try...